Work Mode

Exams are next week, gotta study harrrd!
Got to admit, its my Pmr this year, and im still slacking around, Im succccch a loser D:
Oh and today while i was having my oral test, something bad happened -- MY FILE GOT LOST.
Great. So teachers are helping me to remake it or something but my marks from the past two years... im not sure what they'll do exactly..T.T

Just pray to God that laziness doesn't overcome me, and i'll still be able to pass my exams..
WISH ME LUCK!



Target
BM-B                
BI-A
SC-B
MT-B
GEO-B
SEJ-B
KH-PASS
BC-PASS


A-75
B-65 ( I THINK )
C-40
D/FAIL-UNDER 40 

yeah, so im almost aiming all on Bs, but i KNOW i'll get thousands of Cs.
Exams starts on the 6th of May. After my exams i'll come back with my results and see how bad am I    :T

YESTERDAY

Saw CT [the guy from before, refer to two post before this one] yesterday. I thought I'd smile. I did. I guess he ignored it. He just turn and walked passed me. I swore he saw it. I sank for a couple of seconds and then realizing that im still standing on the same place looking blank. I walked the other way. I wanted to be away, from the cold. The cold of the night and the cold from him.
Sigh. I thought I got over him, but why do I still feel that tight twitch inside of me?
When will it just go away?..

LALALA

Well, friends don't always see eye to eyes, but nothing beats forgiveness. When the situation gets long, you just think back and get over it. There's so many other things in the world, why frustrate on something? it's going to hold you back anyways. So yeah, im not mad anymore, don't ask me the reasons, i really don't wanna talk about it. Just being the way it is is good enough, just think as this never happened okay?

Busaaaaaaay

Whhhaaat a busaaaay yearr..
It's just April and my limbs are starting to tangle up T_T
Even so, I still want to go out with my friends, not forgetting SHOPPING!
Any sponsers?? xD

Well, CF's Evangelitic Ralley is coming up next week, UBER exicited :D
Then in 2 more weeks from today, it's exam week.. Gotta start revising!
On the last day of the month, dance ministry is having an outing to somewhereiforgot:P

I need moree fuel to go through all this ! xD

Oh.. and I met him yesterday, no not Lucas, its --- ---- [did I ever tell you his name? o.o lets name him CT], you know the one before Lucas came back.

Well, he's with her [obviously] again,  did'nt look him in the eyes, cause if I do, i know i'll fall back into his trap. Long story short, he tried to touch my face. Right when he remembered what he was going to do, he pulled his hand back. It made me crazy for a little while, thinking if he still feels it. But then she was beside him. And I thought, it's just a mistake. Who in the right mind would want me?

His eyes are my weaknesses, don't know if he does but I'm glad he doesn't. I mean, it's the best for all of us..

NOT UPSET BTW :)

Hmmmmmmmm~

Three words.                         I'M GETTING OOLDDD!!      
All the things i've forgot to bring to school today :
-- My pencil case
-- My homework
-- Water color ( teacher called us to bring )
-- My exercise book
-- And apparently, my brains.

Things that I forgot now :
-- My homework I need to do
-- What I have to bring for school tomorrow
-- The oral test I need to prepare
-- My homework for tuition
-- Both of them :)

Well, being forgetful ain't all that bad, theres an advantage to it. You get that epicness when you remember what you forgot, so yeah, it's kinda fun. But what I do hate about it, is people who use my forgetfulness to blame something on me I didn't do.

Hey, I know Im forgetful but Im not dumb. If it's something I really done, it will lightbulb me when you remind me. if the lightbulb remains off, I know you're lying.

Dont take advantage of my forgetfulness!! T.T [especially you Dorkman]

. . .

I wanna talk to you so bad and yet I wouldn't want you to feel I'm like annoying. I try to talk but I think I'm trying too hard. You're being so cold.. like he did.. I knew it, I'm going through this all over again.. I asked you how long have we been apart, you said 6 months. 6 months, is it really? Did I forget or did I just didn't want to remember ? I just realized I'm a horrible person.

I wanna talk to you but I don't want you to be annoyed. You started the conversation and yet you have me bursting my mind to think of things to talk to you. Everytime I stopped for you to have a reply, on average counts, its one minute. I remembered last time your replies were like lightning fast, and I was like, you're crazy. But now? your replies are like, slow, really slow..Sigh.

Can't blame anyone can I? I really don't understand guys, not at all. Guess that when they get different, they change totally. Like seriously. Like both of them, just seeing them going up and out, it's really hard. To know that the memories will not be memories anymore, that they'll be lost in sea, sailing into someone else's heart.

Now its like i wrote a thousand love songs from my heart, and when i sing it to you, you just laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm not that person anymore. Not the one you care for anymore. And definitely not the one you love anymore. It's like deja vu. I'm reliving everything.

The cold first, then the lack of interest, then the avoidance, then the parting, then the part when I watch you live your life and the tears all in between. The coldness has started. Wonder how long will it take for me to get over this one.. It took me 3 months to forget the previous one, how long will it take this time? =\
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Well I know Im a sucker for shoving all these nonesense to you , so i'll PROMISE i'll write a happy post next time =)          

-EMILY OUT-

W E L L . . .

well.. I don't know where is this going. Lucas is not the Lucas I knew, or should I say the one I thought I knew. He's not like last time, always chatting, always funny, he's like, in a silent mode. To me, only me. Maybe he's giving me the silent treatment or something cause in the conversations [only 2], he spoke only less than 8 sentences.
Him coming back is an unexpected surprise. Maybe it has something to do with the way I felt 'him'[the other one] growing up and leaving me that I think him[Lucas] coming back is going to have me re-live that. Maybe there's something I did wrong the last time that something made Lucas come back to make me make it right. I have a feeling, a gut feeling. They say always trust your gut, but hey, this is a different situation, maybe it could be wrong.
Don't know about anything now but I'm still okay though, no tears, no sadness, just anticipation. To what will happen next.
I guess I'm just living life as it goes, to let it take me to wherever it wants me to be going. My life is in God's hands right? I'll just go with the flow.

Someone.

He's back. Lucas' back. Am I supposed to be sad or angry for how he just opened the exit door and slammed my face? Am I supposed to be mad at him for just bringing me around the world and leave me in a foreign place while he goes back home?

Im not. I was happy, in fact, I was soooo happy that I almost cried.. He forgave me. He's still the one I trust. Still the one I loved.. I don't know if he knows but ever since he left, I cried a few times. More than the usual. I started writing notes to God for Him to protect him, to keep him safe, to be happy and continue living his life without my presence. I thought that if I'd left him too, he'd have a better life. I don't know if he did but now, he's back.

How long has it been? We parted at December. I remember so deeply, how much pain you felt, how you felt being lied to by me, how your fragile heart broke, how much I wanted to pick up the pieces. You done everything and made sure you didn't leave a trace of me with you. Your silence made me shout.

Here you are again, only just now you were back. I can't tell anyone just so suddenly and say, 'hey, he's back.' Just maybe they'll slowly see this. You just came out of nowhere. And there I was, just staring, tears dripping.

All should be back to normal but.. He's different.. Like the one I'm trying to forget now, he's changed. He's not that kiddy sportsy guy that loves to fool around anymore. He's not the guy who always talk a lot, just to have a conversation with me. He's not the guy that I tell my worries to anymore. And I think I'm going to go through the process again. When someone you love grows up and grows out of you, what do you do? Do I really have to go through the whole entire process again and just cry in the end cause I've lost someone I really loved again?

When would this routine end? Tell me when would it stop and just let everything go back to normal? Why does all these things keep repeating? Or have I just not learned a lesson from the first one that I have to re-live it again? I don't know. I really don't know anymore. I'm facing this all over again. I'm going to have my heart broken once again and I don't think I'll have the energy to even pick up my own shattered heart.

I just have a feeling that this will all happen once again. No one's going to be the same, everyone has to grow, and go.. Eventhough I'm not sure right now how to handle this akward situation between us , I mean we're not talking like we used to, I just hope that this ice thinned bond that's still left will not shatter.. That the string of memories will not break and soar with the wind.

If only everything could be just the way it used to be. If only time could stop. If only I'd made the right decisions. If only i didn't loved.

When we were apart, I heard a song from my favorite artist [ Taylor Swift ! xD] that meant so much to me. They say that the song was nice, very touching and all. Lucas and I parted in December. And I really regretted everything that I've done to hurt him. I love this song so much not just because it's really touching and sad, it's because the song had all the feelings I had, all the regrets I felt, all the exact things were written in that song. That's why I loved it so much. The first time I heard the song, it made me cry so hard, that I cried to sleep. Because it reminded me of him. If only I could turn back time, If only I could change everything. If only I can go back to December..

x)..

 ' Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to '
I read this online the other day and it really just wow-ed me. Then I thought, what if that someone hasn't even know that someone already gave him the power? What if that someone doesn't even have a clue that someone already planted their trust in them?

Then I thought again, how can he know?

I'm not sure if he knows. But something just tells me that he does. He did. And maybe he didn't want it. Or just maybe that he's trapped in the same way I am. No.. Why would he?..

I was sleeping at school today. Before I went to slumberland, I thought of him. Or i dreamt of him. Something like that, I don't remember. I 'saw' him coming into my class to call me out. He brought me down and asked me to help him get a gift for her. Then I woke up. Then I slept again. The same 'dream/thought' happened again, and I woke up again. It happened again. And altogether it happened 3 times. [ Yeah, teacher wasn't in. Sleeping is a great time-killer so yeah xP]

When I woke. I didn't want to sleep anymore. It's either cause my common sense kicked in and I remembered he's not from my school, or I just didn't want to see that joy in his face For Her. I'm selfish. Yeah I know. I should live as a fishmonger the rest of my life. But it just brought me that prickly feeling deep down. I felt like I was nothing but an obstacle that he has to pass, and live happily ever after. Not knowing that he's also an obstacle I have to pass but leaving me head- down in the dust.

He entered my life without notice, I noticed him not soon enough. He left with a grand farewell, leaving me to clean up the mess. Guess that's what I get?

I can't look him in the eye. The reason why I walk pass him, the reason why I ignore/ care-less is because I can't look him in the eye. I can't help the tears trying to burst out. I can't help looking through those beautiful eyes, knowing that those were the eyes I was hypnotized with, those were the eyes that brought me warmth. I can't help looking at those eyes and suddenly realizing that someone hypnotized it instead, that that warmth was from someone else's living.

He's changed. Maybe it's a sign for me that I have to change too. To organize my life better. To look out the window and see a new horizon. I got champion for my school's spelling bee competition for my grade. Maybe that's a start. That some fights are meant to fail, and some are meant to succeed.  My life is in God's hands. He's going to plan everything for me.

Sigh. I reaaaaaally hope that things would go right. No more thinking of the past memories but inventing new ones on the way.Maybe someday I could be free from his spell, and finally I could go free again.
Besides, schools that came in for badminton competition these past days has a lot of hot guys xD

LOL. Wish me luck !

Sigh...

Just off tuition. Actually my mood was great. Chatting with friends, laughing and simply just fooling around was a great start, and a great end i guess.. I came down the stairs and I felt him. Without seeing him I could just feel him, standing there. I froze, my body just shivered, and I continue my way. I came down, and acting i didn't notice him, i just turn the other way. My friend was talking to her. His her. I followed. 

Everytime I always wanted my dad to pick me up late, just so I could see him a few moments more. But at that time, I wanted to leave so badly. I looked around and there he was, my life saver, my dad. xD

I went straight, got into the car and left. I stare at the empty place that he stood and drove away.

Just feeling a little sad and depressed. Suddenly reminded af all the things that happened,  all the memories, both good and bad. All clashed up like that, it's not easy to take. 

Sigh.. I just want to have a break. A break from all of this. A break of all of him..

Thank You :D

Just wanna take this opportunity to thank the grrrreeeeaaaaat anddd awwwwweesooomeee AUDREY for helping me re-decorate my blog :D THAAANKKSSS !

My blog went kinda psycho and all the posts were not visible [dk why], so i stopped posting as well. Not quite a good decision since theres some stuffs going on. But the past is the past! xD..

Ahem.. moving on..


Really wanna thank Audrey for doing all the work =P [i promise i'll buy you ice cream]
Thank you Thank you girlll!! You're awesome xD