Forget you

Lately I've been trying to forget you.. To forget everything's that happened..
But then I just ask myself this question, ' do I really love him?'. My answer was, 'I'm not sure.' Is really missing you or just think about you at night, or simply just dreaming of you defined as love? Im not sure either.
The thing is that I learnt that I've grown up as you did, but I just haven't grown out of you. I realised that I don't know you at all, I realised that, I fell in 'love' with a guy I barely know. I fell in 'love' with a guy that has his own life that I wasn't important there, I mean, why would I be? I was selfish to want to grab hold of you and not letting go. I was selfish to want you. Not realising that you have your own school life, your own social life, and your own family life, and I only saw you in our tuition life, I only saw you in the life that I had a part, even the tiniest part, I was in it; I was that selfish.

I don't think you knew how I felt, I don't think you even remember my existance. I don't think you know how much painful tears scar their way down my cheeck. I don't think you'll know how bazare it was when I see people that resemble to you and stare at them. I don't think you'll know how sorrowful i felt when I had to lie to you. I don't think you'll know how I push my tears back when you talk to me. I don't think you know how hard it is to look you in the eyes right now. I don't think you'll ever see me as the happy-go-lucky type because you already destroyed it.

But, I also don't think you know how much happiness I feel when I hear your footsteps coming closer, even though they just pass. I don't think you know how you got me sailing in the deepest eyes of yours. I don't think you know how I remember what time your classes start and you'll always be late. I don't think you remember how you held my hand and I just totally burned. I don't think when you put your arms around me I wished you'd never let it down. I don't think you'll know how it feels like standing by your side. I don't think you know when you complain about yourself, you're perfect to me. I don't think you realise how broken I was when I see you with her.

And most importantly, I don't think that you'll ever know, cause I'm never telling. Why? people might ask. Well, it's just that i don't want to ruin your life, to confuse you in the slightest way, to regret, to want to forget.

Sometimes, I just don't want to have strength to love, I just want strength to let go.
Sometimes, it's vice versa.

To me, day dreaming is a very important activity in my life, beacuse i get to think of you.
When others ask for my hobby, usually, I'll say computer, reading, badminton and stuff. But seriously, my hobby is lying around doing absolutely nothing. It's not wasting my life away, it's just time I need to recall what had happened in the past few days and how God helped me go through. I don't know how many of you who are reading this is a Christian, but I can tell you one thing. God provides. He provides me with food, water, shelter, parents, siblings, friends, loved ones, and challenges to strenghten me like this one.

I wish I could be much much stronger in future, to really forget. To really let go. And maybe he'll realise it, but until then, I'm going to try to erase my memory with him.