You changed sooooo much.. You're a brother of mine that i secretly admire. You're not a study person, you're a sports person. You were taller than me, now you're WAY taller. Your ever present warmth is getting cold. Your loving kindness is fading. You used to wait for me when I'm staying. You used to wait for me until i get in the car and disappear in the crowd of other cars. You used to hold my hand, and your cheeks will flash pretty pink. You used to knock into me and put your arm over my shoulder. You used to smile so sweetly at me when i come down. You walk to me and try to come out with a subject to say and we always end up in silence, you beside me, enjoying it together. You used to care for me. You used to love me.
Don't know if you'll ever know that i felt the same way. I don't think you ever will. As your hormones change you, you changed completely with it. Your warm eyes, turned ice cold. You kept your distance. You went before I ever came down. You mixed without noticing me. Every single time i came down and saw you, you looked at me like i was someone you knew and looked away, like someone you didn't care much about. Every time our eyes catch, you and i both started to look away, knowing that everything we have is fading.
You'll never know how deeply your sword pierced into my heart. You'll never feel how your frozen fire arrows shot me. You'll never understand what it feels like losing someone you love, let alone knowing that you're going to lose them. You'll never know how your kindness or sympathy or whatever you call it came like a wave and melt my heart, and taking it away with it. You'll never ever ever understand, to feel, to know, that someone you love is leaving you.
You can never fathom how much you broke me, how much you tore me into pieces and throw me up in the sky as i fall like confetti. I guess i should have read the signs, the signs others were throwing , the signs i saw, the sign i almost heard. But instead i threw them in a corner, being naive and not believing it. I write notes to God to tell him about you, to ask him what to do, to seek for advice. Yes, you're that important to me that i have to report to God about you.
Maybe you cared but maybe you did not. Maybe you loved and found out you couldn't. Maybe you lied to tell the truth. Maybe you just never felt it like i always felt around you. Now every time i see you, I try my best to push my tears right back up. Now every time i see you my heart aches so much i can't talk to you anymore. I'm so..so afraid of breaking in front of you, which will end our weak friendship even faster. I try to stop tearing in the dark night, praying that i won't lose you. Asking us to be like before, not wanting to go further. Friends is enough. Just friends..
I don't want to lose you, as a friend or as someone I love. I just don't want you to leave us behind. I don't care if i have to be the only one who takes in the pain. I want you here. To always be here.
Like you said, I'm you younger older sister, you're my older younger brother. Just remain it that way. Just let it freeze there with your coldness now. And hope that i won't melt it away.
Love you always.
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